Of Anxiety, Worthlessness & Lost Friends.

The worst thing about anxiety, depression, polarity etc is the way it affects your relationships. It makes you do things to people you'd not normally do. It makes people do things to you the way they normally wouldn't.

I have, sometimes, for no valid reason, spewed venom on those closest to me. I have called, texted, even woken people up just to fight or have an argument with them. All this not because they have done anything to deserve it, but because I was in such a deep pit myself that all I could to do was to pull them down in the pit with me: I needed company!

Most people have understood & forgiven me. Some of them have pulled me up. But there have been those who have neither forgiven, nor helped me get back. Ironically they were the ones I relied on the most. Maybe I had hurt them beyond repair: you always take those closest to you for granted.

The thing about such feelings is that they isolate you from the world around you. You see the world as I and them. You look at them being happy and going about their lives while you continue to suffer. Often in silence.

Then there are times when you gather courage and seek help. You tell people about what you are going through, but mostly you suffer in silence: How do you explain to a normal person the knots in your stomach? Or the sinking of your heart? How do you convey the helplessness and dejection, the fear and the anxiety? How do you justify the highs and the lows?

Most of my highs have been followed by lows. The happier I have been, the more forlorn I have become. The feeling of being on top of the world, in no time, transforms into a feeling of uselessness and worthlessness. The transformation is so sudden that often I don't know what make of it. 

It is therefore quite understandable if others around me cannot. It's also possible that they consider me as moody and irresponsible especially in my behaviour. It is OK if they do so, after all they can only see the manifestation of my anguish. But what is not OK is the lack of empathy for the millions who suffer silently because no one understands.

But what does someone who doesn't know how it feels do to help?

It is fairly simple. If you ever come across a person who acts unlike himself, do not judge him/her. Do not try to solve the problem for the person either. All someone with anxiety needs is a friend, some one who can listen to him, someone who tells him he's not crazy or stupid or mad or irresponsible. Someone who reiterates that this too shall pass.

If you can, be that someone.